Lord of the Slings
by Elenea
Summary: Ever wonder what type of doctor's bill the Fellowship ran up on the quest? That's what this story is all about! R
1. Introduction

Lord of the Slings

  
  


Authors Note: Welcome to my second LotR humor fic. I thought of this a while ago, but never did any thing to expand on this. It is my firm belief that the doctors bills these guys must have ran up over the course of the approximately 1 year quest, must have been enormous. This is based more on the book than the movie, just for a warning, because the book is in my lap. Not the movie. Alright then. On to the disclaimer!

  
  


Disclaimer: As some know, I am the owner of a fuzzy pencil. I am also the owner of a feathery pencil and a watch now, along with the book in which Not So Truly Yours, Anonymous is written. As you can see, I own very little. I do not, for example, own LotR. I hope your happy.

  
  


Authors Note II: And with that said the story will begin. It will be written in excerpt of certain scenes. I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT rewrite the whole plot because not all of it would have caused enormous doctors bills. So it's in excerpts.

  
  


The Story.......kind of.....

  
  


The Prologue...to be more precise.....

  
  


As you may know, there once was a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins, who found a ring. He kept it for a good 50 years and then, on his 111th birthday, he passed the ring on to Frodo Baggins. For 17 years, Frodo held on to the ring and retained the appearance of a 33 year old, though in fact he was 50. On his 50th birthday, he set off on a journey to Rivendell with three others, in order to deliver the ring to someone who could take it to the land of Mordor. This ends up being himself, his 3 original companions and 5 more. And the journey continues. 

This is the information that everyone knows. Everyone also knows how much danger they run into along the way. What few know is how much all of this danger cost them. Literally costing. This is what this story is about. Though it was not mentioned in the original and brilliant trilogy, close by, every time that someone was hurt, there was a small doctors kiosk. (Except at Weathertop....unfortunate incident there, but you can sleep better at night by knowing there is one there now.....) The bills of each stop by the Fellowship were recorded at these kiosks and the information had been withheld until now.....and now.......our story......

  
  


Authors Note III: Alright! That's all for the moment. Tell me what you think! If you don't I won't keep writing this. (No....just kidding.....I write for my own entertainment just as much as yours......) Story continuing soon (or if the next chapters are already up in 5.........4..........3...........2.........{Go to the next chapter!})


	2. After Old Man Willow

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I don't own the events. I do own a book and I do own the handy doctors kiosk.

Setting: Old Forest 

***

"Follow me, little hobbits!" Tom Bombadil called after Merry and Pippin had been pried from inside Old Man Willow. With one look back Tom started off through the woods, singing. The four hobbits followed his path doggedly, and almost lost him a few times. After a few minutes they saw him stop in front of a small stand. They quickly ran to catch up. 

"What is this?" Frodo asked.

"This is the Old Forest Doctor's Office!" A happy sales associate called from behind the stand.

"I don't see a doctor....or an office," Sam said looking around.

"Of course you don't! The office is in the big tree behind me!" The sales associate replied. Merry and Pippin both shuddered. "If you'll follow me," The sales associate continued.

"Where's Tom Bombadil?" Frodo asked looking, around.

"He left," The associate said, opening a door in the tree. "He said to follow his singing when you come out. Now, if you'll follow me..." The hobbits were ushered inside the tree and led down a flight of stairs. 

Frodo and Sam looked around. The stairs wound around a center column, all of which seemed to be carved out of the tree. Small artificial lights were randomly placed on the column to shed a little light. Merry and Pippin tried to keep their eyes shut, though it made it rather hard to get down the stairs.

"Is this what it was like inside Old Man Willow?" Sam asked.

Merry shuddered. "Don't...talk...about...that...," Pippin replied rather shortly, running his hand along the column to keep balance.

Frodo and Sam shrugged their shoulders and kept walking. 

Within ten minutes the stairs ended and the hobbits began down a long hallway. This was easier, for Merry and Pippin, than the stairs because they still had their eyes shut tightly. At the end of the hallway, they, Frodo and Sam, saw two doors. They quickly ran up to them, leading Merry and Pippin. On the first door it read 'DOCTOR' and on the second 'PSYCHIATRIST'. 

Before any of the hobbits could ask a question, a man in a white coat appeared. "Ah, good. Patients!" He smiled warmly and ushered the hobbits in the door reading 'DOCTOR'.

"Who are you?" Frodo asked skeptically, when they were inside the room.

"The doctor! Now sit down please," The doctor smiled again and pointed to four seats in the back of the room. Frodo and Sam led Merry and Pippin to the back of the room and the four sat down.

The doctor pulled a large white rolly chair out from a desk and sat down in front of them. Most of the room was white. The chair, the desk, the walls, the floor, the other chairs, the door. It was sightly disturbing.

"Now," The doctor smiled again, "what wrong today?"

"Our friend were almost eaten by trees," Sam said.

The doctor looked at the two hobbits with their eyes shut. "Them?"

"Yup."

"Ah. I see."

"Can you get them to open their eyes?" Frodo asked.

"Hm...I can try. I think this is a better job for the psychiatrist though," The doctor got up and pressed a little white button on the desk.

A few moments later a woman in a white coat came into the room. "Those two?" She asked, looking at Merry and Pippin.

"Yes," The doctor replied.

"Alright," She grabbed their hands and led them out of the room. "I'll have them back soon."

Frodo and Sam watched this suspiciously, but were powerless to stop it.

The doctor turned back to them and, once again, smiled warmly. "Your friends will be fine. Now, what's wrong with you two?"

Frodo and Sam looked at each other. "Nothing really," Frodo responded.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." "No aching limbs from sleeping in the wilderness?"

"No. We slept in Crick Hollow last night."

"No complications from being chased by wild animals?"

"No. The animals left us alone."

"No injuries by random orcs?"

"Nope."

"No sleep deprivation?"

Frodo paused. "Well we did wake up before six this morning..." Sam began.

"Ah! I have just the cure!" The doctor jumped up and took a bottle out of a cabinet. He poured a little into two cups and gave them to Sam and Frodo. "Drink this!"

Looking skeptically at each other, Sam and Frodo slowly drank the substance. It was strangely minty, cinnamony, and sugary at the same time. It was rather disgusting in a strangely good way. 

"What was that?" Sam asked, disgusted, when he was done.

"A cure for feeling tired! Do you feel tired anymore?"

"No...but we weren't tired to start out with...," Frodo replied.

Suddenly the door opened and Merry and Pippin came back in the room. The had their eyes open now, but still looked rather scared. With one look from the psychiatrist the doctor put slings on both of them and then said, "Well! I think that's about all I need to do here! Your bill comes to 40 American dollars, 37 euros, 4,872 Japanese yen, 425 Mexican pesos, 58 Canadian dollars or 121 Brazilian real."

"Bill?" Frodo cried.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked.

"What are all those numbers?" Merry added.

"When are we leaving?" Pippin whined.

"Of course there's a bill! I just converted some of the sums into alternate currencies for you," The doctor replied.

Frodo dug around in his bag. "Here's one piece of dragon's gold," He sighed handing a piece to the doctor.

"That will do!" The doctor said happily. He opened the door and said, "You're free to go."

The hobbits filed out of the room, down the hall and up the stairs. The walked out of the tree door and into the sunlight. The sales associate was still at the stand. Very indistinctly, then growing louder, they could hear Tom's singing.

"Well, we'd better be off," Frodo said. And with a smile from the sales associate, they set of to follow Tom's voice.


	3. The Barrow Downs

Disclaimer: I don't own the settings. I don't own the characters. I own the handy kiosks and that's about it.

  
  


Setting: After being freed from the Barrow Downs and awakened by Tom Bombadil.

  
  


"You hobbits do seem to have a way of finding trouble. You are lucky Frodo here remembered my song. Now follow me again," Tom started off again singing. The hobbits followed him, still a little shaken from the experience with the barrow wight.

Eventually they came to another doctors booth. Another sales associate showed them through a tree door with a smile. Once again they headed down the stairs, though this time Merry and Pippin kept their eyes open.

"So why do you guys have slings, anyway?" Sam asked.

"I dunno. We were kicked out of the tree, not thrown by our arms. Did they do anything to you last time?" Pippin responded.

"They gave us some drink to cure exhaustion, but we weren't tired," Sam said.

"What did the psychiatrist do?" Frodo asked. "You still looked scared when you came back."

Merry shuddered. "She told us that though being in a tree was bad, shutting your eyes was worse because you don't know what will sneak up on you."

"And they charged us a piece of dragon's gold for that?!" Frodo cried.

"And the slings," Pippin said.

"Don't forget that drink thing!" Sam added.

Frodo sighed and they continued walking in silence. Soon after they came to a similar long hallway with two doors at the end. Another doctor came out and ushered them into a similar white room.

"Now. What's the problem here?" The doctor asked as soon as all of the hobbits had found seats.

"Er...Nothing really, sir," Frodo responded casually, hoping to avoid a bill. He elbowed Sam.

"That's right. We aren't really sure why we're here. We just kind of showed up and were ushered inside. Nothing's wrong though."

Merry also caught the drift. "That sales associate was very nice and told us to go right down here. We aren't sure why though."

The doctor looked skeptically at them and then read a note on his desk. It was from his colleague at the other end of the Old Forest and read, 'If you meet four hobbits find something that's wrong with them. They are really gullible. If they say nothing's wrong just ask random things. Something will give.' Then at the bottom it added, 'Dragon's gold!'

The doctor looked at Pippin. "You haven't said much. Is there anything wrong with you?" He asked.

"Well, we were caught by barrow wights and had dreams of them killing us...," Pippin said thinking. His three companions glared at him. "Er...but other than that, nothing at all!" He added hastily.

"Ah! I knew you were here for a reason!" The doctor shouted triumphantly. In his mind the words Money, Rich and Gold repeated over and over. "I'll send you all over to the psychiatrist's room."

He pressed a little button on his desk and sent the hobbits out in the hall. A lady opened the door and brought them in. She sat them all down on a medium sized couch, and Merry and Pippin both looked as though the room was familiar.

"Now, what's the problem?" The lady began less sugar-coatedly then the doctor. "Forest animals? Uncomfortable living conditions?" She looked at the harder. "Barrow wights maybe?"

The hobbits shifted uncomfortably. 

"Ah. Barrow wights. We get more customers through them. Did you have dreams of being killed many times over? Were you very cold and felt that the night would never end? Were you forced into strange white robes? Was there a sword lying on you necks? Did Tom Bombadil wake you up?"

The hobbits shuddered and nodded. Only Frodo really knew what the lady was talking about. The other three had been asleep until they were woken up by Tom Bombadil on the grass. They had had terrible dreams about being killed many times over, though.

"Alright," She said harshly. "Snap out of being scared. Little babies. How do you expect to get to Rivendell? You can't even stand up to barrow wights, yet you expect to be able to outrun Nazgul? What do you think you are? Superhobbit? Yeah....right..."

The hobbits shrunk back into the couch and their eyes grew three times bigger than normal. Their lower lips trembled.

"Don't give me that," The 'psychiatrist' glared. She was more of an intimidatress than a psychiatrist. "Now are you going to toughen up?"

The hobbits nodded. 

"Right. I'll escort you back to the doctor." 

The hobbits were led back across the hall. The psychiatrist whispered something to the doctor, and he nodded. He got out a bottle, which was familiar to Frodo and Sam. They dreaded what was coming next, but being half the size of the doctor doubted they could stop it. The doctor gave each of the hobbits a cup and made them drink it.

They reluctantly swallowed. Frodo grimaced and asked, "What was that for?"

"Well...after the traumatic experience with the barrow wights...you must have...been quite...exhausted!" The doctor replied stumbling over his own words. "Well. Your bill comes to..."

"Bill?!" Frodo exclaimed. "For what!?"

"Ah...the psychiatric services and the drink I just gave you. And I'll take those," He added to Merry and Pippin taking their unneeded slings.

"We didn't want the psychiatrist or the drink though!" Frodo protested.

"They were given, so there will be a charge. The doctor said matter-of-factly. "Your bill is 87 American dollars, 61 British pounds, 138 Canadian dollars, 743 Danish krone, 656 former French francs, 195 former German marks," He paused. "Or two piece of dragon's gold."

"What?!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Which form of currency will you be using?"

Frodo glared and dug around in his bag. "Here. Two pieces of dragon gold."

"Thank you. Have a nice day," The doctor smiled.

The hobbits wandered back out into the hall and up the stairs the left the tree and found Tom waiting there with 6 ponies; their original five and Fatty Lumpkin. Frodo muttered something about a rip off, but all the hobbit smiled at Tom and they rode to the edge of the forest together.


End file.
